Authenticity, Transparency, and Facets

One of my favorite topics is Authenticity versus Transparency.

Some definitions on Websters Online Dictionary of Transparent is: 

2a: free from pretense or deceit : FRANK

b: easily detected or seen through : OBVIOUS

c: readily understood

d: characterized by visibility or accessibility of information especially concerning business practices

And they provide a definition of Authentic as:

true to one's own personality, spirit, or character is sincere and authentic with no pretensions

For relational purposes Transparent is to have full knowledge of all facts and Authentic is to  be truthful and free from pretense, known fully. 

Here is why they are different. Just because you have all the facts does not mean you know who the person is or how they behave with those facts. To be authentic is that you may not have all the facts but you know their character and how they will consistently behave. 

I want to tell you a story. My grandfather from the age of 18 to the age of 58 was in the US Army. There were many things he could never tell me, secrets. But He was authentic with me (This is not completely true, I saw a facet of him, and he was completely authentic in that facet, but I saw the grandpa facet and not the dad or husband facet, they are different facets). I knew who he was and what to expect from him.

Transparency says you should know everything I have ever done, seen, said, everything. But here is how that is dangerous:  if you work in a position of high security, if you tell everything you have done, seen, said, everything, you break trust and subject your community to sabotage, failure, and potentially death. Likewise, in a marital relationship, if you are telling your co-worker, sister, and/or best friend all the details of all the things in your marriage, it will undermine the trust you have between you and your spouse. It can sabotage your marriage, it can intensify failure and can potentially create death in the relationship.

Alternatively Authenticity, is not transparent, it does not reveal all the facts, but it is truthful about who you are to that person. I heard a story of a spy that had some very specific moral principles. He did not drink coffee, did not drink alcohol, did not smoke cigarettes, or have sex. He was effective in his role, not by blending perfectly but rather by proving he was consistently trustworthy. 

But now let's talk about facets. Humans are like diamonds with many facets, colorations, and fractures, these make the diamond the treasure that it is. It is not hypocritical to only show some facets with one person and other facets with another. No one is entitled to you. No one is entitled to know your facts. No one is entitled to know your nature. You belong to God and to yourself. You own you. You own the diamond. You set the diamond in it's setting.You determine who gets to see the diamond and how much they see, or who gets to touch the diamond and how they touch it.

I am an accountant. I am a writer. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a woman. I am a trauma survivor. There are at least a dozen other facets that make up the whole diamond of me. Sometimes I examine all my facets. Sometimes I don't want to look at some of my facets. I am particular who gets to see what. My accounting clients are not allowed into my trauma. 

My Grandfather was a wonderful grandfather and he was authentically loving and present for me as a grandfather. He was absolutely truthful in that facet, but due to some of the things he faced in his military career and life he could never be transparent with me. And it would have undermined my ability to trust him, if I had known at 8 what I know now about him. I needed him to be exactly who he was to me. Only in my 30s did I find out about more of the facets of him and be able to accept the fractures and coloration of his diamond, an imperfect man.

You get to be an imperfect, flawed diamond. 

With that said, there are natural consequences, both good and bad, for transparency versus authenticity. There will be people who punish you for not giving them control over your diamond. You should not stay in those relationships. But control and punishment can look very small. It can be as simple as the person at work that wants to hear all about your dating life and when you decide not to share that anymore they don't want to be friends anymore. It can be parents, spouses, children, siblings, exs, and it can come in all forms of the desire to control you. Sometimes they don't know they are controlling you, they think they are helping, or they want what they want for their environment, but it is not safe for you. You don't have to stay in that environment if it harms your diamond.