Anthropology suggests that cats self-domesticated. That in the heart of civilization (Egypt-ish) cats saw that hunting was much easier around humans and a symbiotic relationship began. 

Dogs, unlike cats, were not self-domesticated. They were bred to work with humans and depend on humans. Cats, by nature continue to be very independent creatures. Dogs are always happy to see you but having the affection of a cat means you earned it. Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs also, and some of these lessons will be pup-relevant too.

My first cat was Nighttime-Mercies (I named him Nighttime, Mom added the Mercies, I understand better now why). He was a stray in the woods that came to us and over time he won us and we won him. Over the years I had several cats but the cats that I had the best relationships with were strays and / or feral. My mother and I talked about this over the years and we agreed she had the same experience. I spent a bit of time thinking about why that was the case. Frequently stray and feral cats have been abused or abandoned, it may be that the abuse or abandonment happened several generations before and the fear of humans gets passes down from the mother cat to the next generation. With both strays and feral cats, you must work hard to prove you are trustworthy, earn their respect, build symbiotic community, and bring them in from the cold; so strays and feral cats are very similar in these respects.

This is about learning to be at peace with yourself as a person that has faced trauma or abuse and is also about learning to love a survivor of trauma or abuse.

Trauma. It comes in many different forms and is no respecter of persons, male or female, all ages, all ethnicities, all socio-economic levels, all religious and/or non-religious communities. It comes when a person experiences something that overwhelms their ability to cope with the experience. It comes in many forms, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, war, gossip, slander, bulling, disassociation, selfishness, anger problems, intergenerational histories...you get the idea. And there is second-hand trauma that comes from trying to support someone that has been through trauma and the support person is not equipped and supported to handle the trauma as well. Second-hand trauma is seen in supporters of survivors.

When a person or animal finally removes themselves from the trauma, it is not uncommon for the being to swing hard to ferocious self-sufficiency; and they tend to teach others especially their children, this as well. Here is the kicker: Self-Sufficiency is its own trauma. Self-Sufficiency creates trauma through separation from community, neglect of health, and strain from becoming over worked. Without community, there is no one to help with heavy labor items, there is no one to help with physical health needs, there is no one to keep your soul warm. 

Survivors often feel alone, guilt, fear, rejection or the sense that no one understand them or could understand them. Out of those emotions, they reject others, and in rejecting others, others reject them and the cycle is continuous and damning ... unless it is broken.

Sometimes loving with trauma is you loving the person next to you. Sometimes loving with trauma is you loving you. What ever the case, I am convinced that, healing begins and ends with Jesus...but not necessarily a religious community.

Please don't think this is about, "go to church". NOPE. Jesus is bigger than church entities, denominations, politics, etc. Jesus is nothing like the people who claim to be his followers. 

Please, please do not toss Jesus out because of the people who claim to follow him. They listen to the bible or a message of encouragement but many don't do a good job of reflecting his love, compassion, sacrifice, concern, respect, and commitment. Many times trauma comes from religious communities, or was aggravated by it, either by their unwillingness to deal with an issue, or their creation of the issue. 

Because of my understanding and relationship with Jesus, a lot of what I reference here is Bible based, but I am not going to recommend a denomination or church. I do recommend reading about Jesus, praying, finding a community of people who show themselves to be trustworthy and want to live in community with you.

This is a summary of my been theres, done thats, and here is a way. This may work for you. Or it may not. We are all on our own journey but maybe this can help.

I'm not anything special, just a woman, wounded and struggling to know who I am, how to trust, be trustworthy, find trustworthy people, to be in community, and come in from the cold. I don't have all the answers but maybe my experience being a feral cat and stories of others finding their way will help you learn to come in from the cold and / or live with yourself, or with a survivor learning to live in peace. Thrive.

I am a woman so this is mostly directed to women because I live it, but this may be for men too. Men survive trauma and abuse. Men get burned and don't want to trust anymore. Men grieve and hurt too. Men get cold and angry too. Men need their hearts warmed too. Men, please don't be put off by this space because it's written by a woman, with a woman's perspective. You get to come in from the cold and be warmed by the fire of kindness too.