Knights in Shiny Armor

Remember the chapter Guard Your Heart, well I learned a few things about selecting men, from selecting a man in the military, that checked all the boxes and measured up to all the Shiny Knight and Family Honor standards.  

At some point we all looked for the knight in shining armor, our hero, to save us from..."enter your dilemma here". And we have come a long way in our culture about becoming the Hero or Heroine that we need, instead of looking for a Hero/Heroine to save us. There is a lot of truth to becoming what you needed. And there are many articles about Jesus is your Hero and He is. 

But I'm not going to pretend as though we don't all want someone to face life battles with, that is a desire most of us have. So in that vein, I want to talk to you about Knights in Shining Armor...And knights in General. 

Nearly every man in my family has been in the military. I love me some men in uniform. Besides the fact that they are just fiercely handsome, there is also a lot of emotions and psychological transference for me behind all the structure and honor and blah, blah, blah.  

Here is some truth, there are good men and bad men in the military, there are good men and bad men on the police force, there are good men and bad men in government, there are good men and bad men in every field.  Good men look good in a tux and bad men look good in a tux. 

So here are somethings you need to know about Knights in Shining Armor:

The knights only wear the shinning armor when they are trying to impress. They are there to impress the king and take advantage of his women folk. They are trying to impress the women folk they want to take advantage of. Those men take advantage of women looking for a hero. They can smell it. They will do anything to control people's perception of them, including yours for a period of time. Then they will just control you, dominate you, and steal your hope, joy, and life. They will crush the wellspring of your life. For your own protection and life, please don't select a man in shinning armor.

The other thing is if a man has shiny armor, his armor is not battle tested, hence the gleam on his armor. Men with battle tested armor don't usually wear it as a badge. They are actually rather quiet about it. It's either classified, or it haunts them, or both. If they are wearing it as a badge, they are arrogant, and they threw many other people's lives away to save their own.

So now let's talk about the kind of knights we want. They really are a reflection of God. By reflection I mean, there is no human that can fill our need for God, and this goes back to the plethora of articles about Jesus being our Hero.  There is no humans that are perfect. If you are looking for perfection you need to lower your expectations. Just like you need grace so does he. If you are looking for a warrior, they are going to need a lot more grace than you expect. But the kind of knights we look for are Men of excellent character, that will stand for principles, and are willing not just to stand but to fight for them. They are seeking the Lord in their own conduct, but also in the leading of their homes, and the stands they take. They do their share of the responsibility of protecting their family, and their share of the responsibility of providing for their family, they compassion the weak and the poor and seek to reflect God even to those that are vastly different from them. 

A couple of my favorite literary heros that have helped to reshape my perspective of what to look for in character are Mr Knightly of the Jane Austen novel Emma, Dr Thorne from the novel Doctor Thorne by Anthony Trollope. But I have also had my grandfather as standard that I frequently measure men by, which has had it's benefits and draw backs, which is why you have to go to God to have him help you prayerfully discern the character and qualities of the men around you and the man you ultimately select as your spouse.

My grandfather was a high-school drop out, because he went to work to help his family survive when his father abandoned the family. As soon as the military would take him, Papa joined. Where ever he was he would send home his checks. When WWII was over, he came home and married my grandmother 6 weeks after he met her. They were married 44 years until his death, I was seven. The man I knew was a mighty soldier, warrior, who prized honor, character, stability, and taking care of his family. My earliest memory was of him, hearing me wake up coming and getting me. All I knew were the great qualities. 

When I was 19, God had a chat with me and told me that God was not like Papa but that Papa was a reflection of God. And that even Papa was imperfect. I was sure I heard wrong.

Twenty years after his death, I found out that he had multiple affairs and that their marriage was not that great. That he was excessively controlling, not just to his wife but really to everyone around him. It dawned on me eventually that the woman I had grown into would never exist if he were still alive. I spent my whole growing up, making decisions based on if Papa would be proud of me and would this bring him honor. And while they do bring God honor, I was focused on the wrong person to honor. I realized I was far more dynamic, assertive, and out in the professional world then Papa would have ever been comfortable with. In his mind women were pretty and polite but never strong, never the heads of businesses, They could be the secretary but not the general. In his mind, women always needed to be rescued. 

So here I was at 25, shocked, floored and grieved. My Knight in Shining Armor was just a broken, insecure, angry boy, that thought death was a better honor than abandoning your family, battle hardened, provider that loved his little girl but didn't know what to do with her or I was supposed to be. I suddenly understood why when I selected Mr Shiny Knight as my boyfriend that he really wouldn't and couldn't be what I needed. But with that perspective of who Papa was, I can grieve for his hurts and anger, too...I don't have to marry it, but I can understand it and grieve it for a man who didn't know how to man except in the way war showed him. He was not perfect but for what he was he tried to be. He was a good feral tom cat, and I love him for it. He sure did polish his armor but it had some epic dings in it, and I love him for it.

And now 35+ years after Papa passed away, I have a much better understanding of what to look for, and while his love for me will always be a bench mark, I have a better understanding about the dangers of check boxes and needing to be saved. You can have a Man of Valor that maybe isn't a warrior in our traditional sense. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There is a saying in Christian communities that if you can't substitute his name in place of the word love then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. That is mostly true. No one is all of these all the time and we all fail. But this should be the standard we measure the significant other we are seeking. 

There is another thing though...This is the standard we should be working toward as well. If we want a spouse like that we need to be a person like that too. So my question to you is are you patient, kind, not easily angered? Do you rejoice in truth, protect, hope, aim to be trust worthy and to find trust worthy people? Do you persevere or press on towards difficult goals, even in relationships? Or do you gloat over the misfortunes of others, are you jealous and envious? Do you forgive or do you plot revenge? 

We want Warriors but maybe what we are really looking for are Men of Valor? But do we want to be Women of Renown, Women of Valor? Are we willing to do what it takes to be patient, kind, merciful, gracious, truthful, respectful, hopeful and persevering? 

I struggle every day to be a Woman of Valor and Renown...I fail. I get up, dust off, and try again, but I want to be the warm heart and gentle hand that is able to heal others and be healed myself.

On last thought, though before I close this :

My dear, I need you to know that if you are in a relationship that takes away your voice and your equality, you need to get out. If you are in a relationship that belittles your needs, you need to leave. If you are in a relationship that threatens and or physically harms you or any one else including themselves you are being abused and need to run. There are hundreds of organizations that want to help you get out the abuse you are facing. I want you free.